Turning back on denial

She was there sitting in front of people she knew ever since she went to college. She was there. She was there, and her mind astray. Hiding in between her laughs, there were murmurs of self-doubt. Times like this, she hates herself for reasons you would not imagine.
"In front of me are the really beautiful people I've known all my life."
Talks over rice bowls and iced tea. Laughs about each other's flaws, corny jokes and intentionally horrible voices. Meaningless stares, sincere opinions, and plain thoughts.
There is a little idea that takes over a huge spot of her personality. It eats her. And invades her identity. 
"I didn't want to feel this way. But it is here now, and this is all my fault."
Since a few days ago she's been trying to revert back to the old ways. To reverse the reaction she herself induced. Yet it seems now that it just doesn't work that way. As much as she did not want to believe, the whole process presents itself as irreversible.