Just be yourself. Warning: A wordy one.

Yes, just be yourself. It will always sound cliche, I know. And I may often forget its real essence especially when I get blinded by the hurtful realities life is showing up. Hurtful that is, if I let it hurt.
This blog again is highly connected with the same old dilemmas I've been talking about.
Yesterday was fine. After classes I went home to get my book because we planned to stay up late at Gio's condo to study for BIOORG2.I was about to leave at 1 am but since these goose bumping ghost stories were brought up and ate up like an hour of conversation, Kim and I just decided to go home in the morning instead. So I am home at 5:30 this morning (with the ghostly thoughts playing around my imagination for sometime) to catch a bit of sleep. I woke up at 8. I was late but still managed to come to class at 8:40 with the hope that the teacher have not yet checked the attendance. I'm glad he rechecked at the end of the class. Next class is ECOLAPP. Nothing new, just Paulo's awesome unscented fart that sounded just like... fuuuuuurrrt. Hah! Then here comes BIOORG2. There were again the block's cramming expertises until the last minute. After the test they went on with their online enrollment and in my case, daydreaming, a bit of self-pity (see below), and fake smiles while looking amidst nowhere. I hated myself because once again I didn't do my best for that test. I knew it myself. Disappointed and at the same time trying to manage the feeling of self blame and regret, we headed to the next class. Then after, we had our SOCTEC2 presentation done. (Not yet, really)
Today again is yet an enlightening day.
I had to go to Mama to get my pills for the second month treatment of my menstruation slash pimples. I cried. Not because of the pimples, not because of the ghostly ghosts and not because of BIOORG2 either. But because she opened it up. She asked if I was okay, if I don't feel left behind by my friends at school. You know, I am always that emotional freak who just can't resist and hold back the tears so easily. Maybe that's how I breathe all the frustrations and burdens out of me. Mama opened about what's happening to Ate which basically is, self pity. She said Ate doesn't want to study anymore at La Salle. She asked if I feel the same at times and I was just honest to say that yes, there are times, lot of times that I do. In the end she left me with that. Just be yourself. If your friends do not like you because you're not rich or what, then go find another set of friends. It meant a lot. Of course, I always know the rule. The thing is just that I always fail in bringing them to life. So now, I would want to explain everything that's inside me. In the end I was convinced again that God is so good. He knew that I didn't have the guts to say all these in front of my parents. I was really surprised when Mama asked me. It may not made me say it all, but at least I was able to give a hint to Mama on what I'm going through at school.
I am planning to be a doctor. But there are a lot of things that hinders me to go on and makes me doubt the chance of achieving that. We are not rich. Papa is a mere tricycle driver. Mama earns just enough for us luckily coz of her employment at DLS-CSB, we were able to enter this prestigious university where almost everyone is rich. Everyone has this, has that. Done this, done that. Have been here, have been there. And now the fact that college has not been too easy in terms of my family's financial capabilities, allows me to recognize the possibilities of having more than difficulties when I go to medicine proper. Another thing that affects me is the fact that, I've already shared this before, I do not excel that much in my studies. It is always discouraging. Last on the list is the fact that I want to do a lot of things aside from studying science. I want to read books. To write. I want to travel, watch TV series, read magazines and find out the latest trend, go to the mall, watch movies alone or maybe with friends if that works, blog, go to the gym, enroll to yoga or boxing sessions, join a religious group, sing for God, wear make-up, buy clothes, talk with the people at home, take pictures, clean my room, read the Bible every morning, put lotion regularly without being in a rush because I'm late and a lot more things life could offer. This brings us back to the first thing, being not rich, being poor and not being able to sustain these pleasures which to me, seems so simple. Because being not rich hinders me to do these. Also, most of my time is dedicated to school works which is always at stake and never certain.
We're always not sure, right? We don't know if tomorrow we'll die and all these things, all these efforts exerted to assure the future will be worth it. So I guess, all that matter is that you're happy everyday and you like what you do. But then again in the contrary, we believe that it is important to prepare for the future and that is natural for us humans. For now, I do not really know if I am happy. And I do not really know if what I am doing now is exactly the right way to prepare for the future or if I'm even preparing to have that future. What awaits me if I quit in these all?
Let us look at the two perspective I was considering when I was on my way home just a while ago. Two broad perspectives.
First, is that yes I will be a doctor no matter what. Set aside the other things I want to do. Give time for studying, make over my study habits, know my priorities and never forget to take a break for sometime. That means I'll be a doctor, I'll probably spend almost half of my life at school and in the hospital sooner of later. Maybe I can travel for sometime when I'm already stable. That would probably be the best feeling in the world. When the time comes that I can ask my parents to go out for some shopping and bonding, travel with them, buy them something they really wanted before but sacrificed not to because they think first of our sake. That would be the best reward I could ever get.
Second and the last option is to quit all these, start anew, decide what course to shift on. I can imagine myself in an office or in a movie set crewing. Much like communication arts right? There's also psychology which I consider only because I know that it would credit some of the courses I already have taken. But there's too little eye on that. Maybe I can graduate faster. Get a job, earn, be stable. I don't really know.
So there you go. I'll go find myself now. :)